In the hinterlands of Russia, there lived a family. This family was a
blended family and there was a girl named Asher, the Master of the Wilds
and the Internet. Oh, and there was this other girl named Petra but Asher,
Master of the Wilds and the Internet killed her and she's not important to
the story so just forget about her, okay? Anyways, she had a father who
was a widower and he had remarried to a stepmother with two daughters.
Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the Internet was abused by her adopted
family, and she had to do all of the chores. She had to work in their big
house, and her stepmother and stepsisters got away with bossing her around
because her father was always out selling lumber at the town. So Asher,
the Master of the Wilds and the Internet was all alone.
She didn't
have any fancy clothes. She wasn't allowed any pets. All she could do all
day was scrub and clean and do other hard chores, while the other women in
her family sat around and did nothing and Asher, the Master of the Wilds
and the Internet was very sad.
One day, Asher, the Master of the
Wilds and the Internet’s stepmother ordered her to go deep, deep into the
woods and collect a certain kind of flower that she wanted. Asher, the
Master of the Wilds and the Internet was scared of going into the woods
because she remembered stories that her mother used to tell her of Baba
Yaga, the witch of the woods who, if she caught you, would snatch you up
and boil you in her big cauldron.
Asher, the Master of the Wilds and
the Internet did not want to go into the woods, but her stepmother forced
her to, so she put on her wooden clogs and she tied a scarf around her
head. And she tried to be brave. So Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the
Internet traveled through the woods, and the woods got deeper and darker
and more scary. There were owls in the trees watching her and there were
cutting foxes and wolves just beyond the pack Petrus searched as quickly
as she could for these flowers that her stepmother wanted that were
nowhere to be found.
In fact, the foliage that grew sparse all
around her in the forest seemed dead. But eventually she came upon HUD
right past a gate, but this was no normal HUD. This was a HUD on chicken
legs that stood 20 feet into the air. Asher, the Master of the Wilds and
the Internet knew she had come upon the house with Baba Yaga. But before
she could turn around and run away, the house, stepped over to her and sat
down on the ground before the door creaked open. And a voice came from
inside the house.
It said “come here. I've been waiting for you.”
Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the Internet didn't know what
else to do. So she went into the house.
She found a small room with
all sorts of work tables and hanging herbs and strange curiosities in
jars. And a Macintosh 2 computer in the corner. And a collection of
mint-condition beanie babies. And a box of unreturned VHS tapes. But, in
the center of the room there was a large iron cauldron in which a gnarled
old woman sat. This woman looked impossibly old and her skin was green,
and her teeth were made of iron. She sat in her cauldron with a large
pestle that she used as a paddle.
The witch who was Baba Yaga said,
“Come here, my dear. I've been waiting for a visitor for so long.”
So Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the Internet entered and said
“What do you want with me?”
The witch cackled and said “I only want
someone to help me and in return, I offer you whatever you want.”
Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the Internet thought and she
asked, “What sort of things do you want help with?”
Baba Yaga
explained, “I'm just an old woman who can't do much at all. I need someone
to help me with my chores.”
Afraid of angering the witch, Asher, the
Master of the Wilds and the Internet set to work. She cleans the witch's
floors. She reset the crooked steaks of her fence. She fed the dog and the
other pets outside. And when she finished all of this work, she returned
to Baba Yaga. And the witch instead of helping her simply gave her more
chores to do that she tried to complete as well. But the chores never seem
to end.
Now back at home. Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the
Internet had not returned for a long time. So her stepmother sent one of
her own daughters to go looking for her because she could not stand to
have the house unclean, and she refused to work herself. Now her lazy
daughters were of course afraid to go into the woods. They were raised on
the same stories as Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the Internet and
they knew what was out there. But their mother beat them and threatened
them and told them they will have everything taken away if they did not go
after their stepsister.
So one of them was chosen to go into the
woods after her. She went into the woods, hoping to find Asher, the Master
of the Wilds and the Internet slacking off at her duties, but she could
not find your stepsister anywhere. So she went deeper into the woods and
eventually she came across a strange hut that was on the feet of a
chicken. The step sister was afraid of course, but she saw Asher, the
Master of the Wilds and the Internet working in the yard. And she forgot
all about the witch that lived in the area.
She went up to Asher,
the Master of the Wilds and the Internet and demanded to know why she
hadn't come home. Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the Internet tried to
explain that they were in the domain of Baba Yaga but her step sister did
not listen. So instead of continuing her chores, Asher, the Master of the
Wilds and the Internet handed her stepsister the broom.
“I'm going
home,'' she told her. “But if the witch's chores are not complete then
there will be punishment.”
Her stepsister suddenly believed Asher,
the Master of the Wilds and the Internet’s story and she was afraid and
asked for help. She pleaded with Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the
Internet not to leave her there with the witch.
Asher, the Master of
the Wilds and the Internet only backed away back into the woods to return
home.
Now inside the hut, Baba Yaga heard the crying of the scared
girl. She went outside to see what what's going on. Bobby a guy's eyesight
was not good in her old age. and she assumed that the girl standing out
there crying was the same one that she had left to do the chores.
"What are you crying about?" Baba Yaga wondered. "Is this too much
work for you? I thought you were a poor house servant."
But the
stepsister only wined and pleaded to go home. She threw down her broom and
refused to sweep anymore. Baba Yaga was furious. "f you are going to be
such a petulant child" she said, "then peaps you do not deserve to work at
all." Baba Yaga struck down the stepsister, and Asher, the Master of the
Wilds and the Internet returned home.
“Did I even tell this story
right?” Asher, the Master of the Wilds and the Internet wondered to
herself as she walked home. She took out her phone and consulted
Wikipedia. “No. No I did not. Wow, Russian fairytales are really
complicated,” She thought to herself.
“Oh well…” She returned home
and karate-chopped her family to death because that’s something I, I mean
she, can do. She reigned for many years as the Tzar of Russia before being
overthrown in the communist revolution.
The End.